My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
