Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
