How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Your cock deserves a montage
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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