If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
