I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
