Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Fuck appropriateness.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
