just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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