i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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