you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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