Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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