i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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