she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She announced her abortion via fbk
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
