Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
