I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
