and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
