I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
