Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The beer is more important than you right now.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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