ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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