she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
