My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
