You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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