If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
