I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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