mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
