She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
