Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
