WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
