You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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