she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
