Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
