im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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