Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
