The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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