all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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