I accidentally had phone sex last night
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
