ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
