Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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