it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
