there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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