i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Congratulations! We have a period
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
