I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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