We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
