I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
