Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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