dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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