While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
