You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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