If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
