I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
