Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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